Stupid Note
by SpiritLeTitan
Summary: A collection of STUPID NOTES written by Light Yagami. WARNING FOR CRACK HUMOR.
1. 1 thru 10

_Hello. This is Spirit-chan. What you are about to read are notes sent to myself and my dear friend Michi-chan (pronounced 'mishee') from Light Yagami. …OK so we wrote them, BUT STILL. So you know, I wrote the ones that start with "Dear Michi", and she wrote the others. _

_Thank you in advance for reading. Even if the massive amount of CRACK-HUMOR melts your brain. :3_

#1

Dear Spirit,  
Once, I was walking down the street, and there was this kid, right, and he was on a skateboard. And so then he did that thing where you flip it upside down or whatever and he fell over. And was hit by an 18-wheeler.  
Hahahahahaha.

Sincerely,  
Light

#2

Dear Michi,  
So there was this one time at headquarters when it was just me and L, when we decided we were bored. To relieve ourselves of boredom, I proposed we play a game of strip poker. Just then, some guy falls through the glass window-ceiling thing and splatters everywhere.  
It took us weeks to get the blood stains out of L's  
favorite white chair.

Sincerely,  
Light

#3

Dear Spirit,  
Once, we were all in the office, and L was sitting there, in a sugar-induced rage,  
and I filled his pants with hermit crabs. And I replaced his sugar cubes with Splenda  
cubes. Oddly enough, the only thing he noticed was the Splenda. For all I know, the  
crabs are still there.

Sincerely,  
Light

#4

Dear Spirit,  
Once, I was taking a shower with my shoes on, and I dropped the soap, and  
accidentally stepped on it. But instead of slipping on it, I just squished it.

Sincerely,  
Light

#5

Dear Michi,  
Today the investigation team went to the beach. I wanted to swim in the ocean, but L  
didn't want to, so being chained to him, I had to follow him around. We walked around  
on the sand, kicked some sea weed, oogled babes in bikinis-- it actually wasn't that bad.  
Then my dad got eaten alive by a giant squid.  
I'm glad I didn't go in the water.

Sincerely,  
Light

#6

Dearest Darlingest Spirit-Chan,  
Today I flung a cat. And then I had a tea party.  
I spent the entire morning staring at L with the creepiest expression imaginable on my  
face. He didn't notice, because he was eating the Fruit Group Leader's peach basket. He  
is desperate for sugar, because he's had nothing but Splenda for the past two weeks. Then he got dragged into the basement for some punishment by Watari.  
At tea-time, I glued L's feet to the chair, so that he had no choice but to stand up and jump to move. So now I can hear him wherever he goes, because he makes a clop-clop noise. It makes me giggle evilly. Oh no, I can hear him coming. I'd better RUN AWAY.

Sincerely,  
Light

P.S. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

#7

Dear Michi,

One time in history class, we were watching a video about MLK (Martin Luther King, Jr.). The whole time, I was thinking "Who the # gives a crap about some preacher from America?! We're in JAPAN! We don't care what color you are!"  
Then some kid threw up all over the place. I laughed.

Sincerely,  
Light

#8

Dear Michi,

Once I was walking down the street, singing opera to myself. Suddenly, a man clad in viking-wear stormed out of nowhere, screaming. I threw a rock at his face.

Sincerely,  
Light

#9  
Dear Michi,

Last week, L wet his bed, so he came and layed in mine. I had a hard time falling asleep with him there, but I finally managed. I woke up about an hour later, and he was facing me, fast asleep. I giggled like a girl, and fell back asleep. I woke up again later on, and he was staring RIGHT AT ME. I shrieked, and beat him with the nearest nut cracker. Then I pooted.

Sincerely,   
Light

#10  
Dear Michi,  
Last week, I bribed Watari with a pound of sausage links to tell me if L's real name really did start with L. He said it did, so I gave him his sausage links. Then I wrote down EVERY SINGLE name that starts with 'L' in the Death Note, but nothing happened. That night I played truth or dare with L, and he dared me not to kill him if I'm Kira. Then I dared him to tell me his real name. He said "Rafael".  
I never would have guessed he used to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Sincerely,  
Light


	2. 11 thru 20

#11  
Dear Spirit,  
For breakfast today I had a large lobster, steamed with lemon and smothered in melted butter, with a side of fried chicken, blowfish, fried squid, fruit salad, and flan. It was lovely. Sincerely,   
Light

#12  
Dearest Darlingest Spirit,  
For lunch I had a turkey leg, cole slaw, breakfast cereal, a fruit bat, chips (I hate chips), a ham sandwich, and some pudding.  
Then I vomited, and had to go outside and eat some grass.

Sincerely,  
Light

#13  
My Dear Spirit,  
For dinner I had frozen waffles. I didn't heat them up first. I also had yogurt, a pear, some stir-fry, uncooked ramen noodles, more chips (I HATE CHIPS), a Big Mac, and a whole pineapple. After that, I was still hungry so I munched on the plants growing in my yard. Then my mom came home and got mad at me for eating her magnolias, so she beat me with a broom and locked me in the hall closet.

Sincerely,  
Light

#14  
Dear Michi,  
It's page 69. I am reminded of a time when I was handcuffed to L. He was in the shower, and...  
Maybe I shouldn't go into it here.  
Last weekend, though, I was sitting next to him on a train to France. I didn't know you could take a train to France from Japan. The whole time, Watari was making disturbing faces at us, like an old pedophile man watching child porn online.  
It gave me terrible flashbacks of my youth.

Sincerely,   
Light

#15  
Dear "SPIRIT",  
For a snack yesterday afternoon I had a can of ravioli, a can of beans, a can of beats and a can of oven cleaner. I felt sort of sick after, so I went out into the backyard and ate some mushrooms I found. I told my mom and she slapped me and called the poison control center. They came and pumped my stomach.  
I was hungry after, so I drank some Pinesol.

Sincerely,   
Light

#16  
Dear Michi,  
Today I saw a puppy. It was really cute. It started to come my way, wagging its tail. So I punted it. I don't know how far it went, cuz I noticed someone saw me do it, and I took off running. I'll hafta ask them for their name later.  
After I ran away, I went to visit L. He was in the middle of tea-time, so he invited me in to join him for some tea and cricket biscuits. Instead, I gave him the finger and ran off down the street again, waving my shirt wildly above my head as I screamed "THANK YOU CLEVELAND!!"  
I don't know why exactly I did it. Deep down, those cricket biscuits sounded lovely.

Sincerely,  
Light

#17  
Dear Michi,  
In some countries, students are tested by answering questions to problems they have learned about in school.  
In others, students are tested by seeing how long they can stay airborne when launched out of a 28-story building.  
Unfortunately, Japan is one of those countries.

Sincerely,  
Light

#18  
Dear Spirit,  
This morning I ate a donut with chocolate frosting and sprinkles. I dipped it in liquid nitrogen. It made my insides all swimmy. Speaking of swimmy, I went swimming in the neighborhood pool yesterday, wearing a mermaid costume and a long flowy wig. Some kids thought I was a real mermaid, so I punted them.  
Then I peed in the pool.

Sincerely,  
Light

#19  
Dear Michi,  
Last night I was sitting in the basement, staring at the ceiling as I foamed at the mouth. Then my dad threw a giant empty box in the room. It was my lucky day. I slunk over to the box and crawled inside. I sat down, and felt something on the ground. I picked it up and smelled it. It smelled like rice. So I ate it. I found more and more, and I kept eating them. Then I blacked out.  
I woke up several days later to a rabid cat clawing at my face. My mom said dumping a bucket of water on my face didn't work, so she had to use that. When I asked why I fell asleep for so long, she kicked me in the groin and told me I ate an entire box of slug poison.  
That explains why I was covered in sticky slime. 0.0

Sincerely,  
Light

#20  
Dear SPIRIT,  
I HAD some MOLD and HAND-SOAP this morning for BREAKFAST. UNFORTUNATELY it has GIVEN me EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. So I am forced to stay inside. Earlier I went to go get the mail to see if someone, anyone, had sent me a letter. But sadly, there was only a bill from Watari for the couch I shredded yesterday. I screamed and sent it back.  
Then my pants exploded.

Sincerely,  
Light


	3. 21 thru 30

#21  
Dear Michi,  
Today I looked through some old photo albums. Most of them were of our family on vacation and Christmas and stuff. They enraged me, so I ripped each picture out violently, tore them up, and shat on the scraps. I did this to every picture in all 76 photo albums. Then I came across an album that was in the back of the book case where no one could see it. I took it out and looked through it, only to find dozens and dozens of porno snapshots of my parents.  
I haven't slept, eaten, or left my room since. 0.0

Sincerely,  
Light  
---

#22  
Dear Spirit,  
I went to prom only once, with some poor stupid girl who asked me. I was all confused, so I went out and bought a pink fluffy dress. I brought it home and modeled it for my mom. She kicked me in the teeth and took my pretty dress away from me. After that, I didn't want to go to prom if I couldn't wear my dress, so I called the stupid girl and told her I couldn't go because I had to wash my hair.  
Then I fell asleep for three weeks.

heart,  
Light  
---

#23  
Dear Michi,  
Last week, when I told L about my only prom experience, he made his body limp and fell to the floor in a slump. He then went into a long rant about how he never went to prom, never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, never been laid, and so on. I sipped tea as he told me these things, and thought about making those nevers into firsts. Instead, though, I decided to pee on him because the bathroom was 12 feet away.

heart,  
Light  
---

#24  
Dear Spirit,  
I remembered how L has never been to prom, been kissed/laid etc, and decided to do something special for him. So I bought two dresses, put them both on, and began dancing around to stripper music. Then I realized I forgot to invite L. I picked up my skirts and ran through the headquarters looking for him, but unfortunately I ran right into a hanging plant and was knocked unconscious.

heart,  
Light  
---

#25  
Dear Spirit,  
Last week I was walking through the mall chewing on a tire that I ripped off Watari's car on the way. There was a security guard looking at me oddly, so I offered him some tire. As I did this, all the stuff I had shoplifted fell out of my shirt. I barked like a dog, and accidentally soiled my trousers.  
Then I went to prison.

heart,  
Light  
---

#26  
Dear Spirit,  
BERRIES AND CREAM, BERRIES AND CREAM, I'M A LITTLE LAD WHO LOVES BERRIES AND CREAM!

heart,  
Light  
---

#27  
Dear Michi,  
One night, when L and I had a spectacular slumber party, we decided to go cow tipping. Of course, I, being the city-tard that I am, had never heard of cow tipping. So I brought along a bucket of pure bleach just in case. When we got out to the field, L went up to a cow, pushed it over and ran for it. The cow started to squirm, and I thought it was gonna chase after L. Fascinated at the thought of a personal bull-running show, I sat down and started eating the pure bleach with my hand. It made my hand foam up like when you put salt on snails, and I'm pretty sure it did the same to my insides.

heart,  
Light  
---

#28  
Dear Spirit,  
I deal with stress much like dogs; by losing control of my bladder every five seconds. And by binge eating cleaning products.

-Light  
---

#29  
Dear Michi,  
One time, I was walking down the street, and I decided to pick my nose. Then a strange, creepy man walked up to me in a large trench coat and offered me some "candy" for $500. Delighted, I accepted the offer, but since I didn't have any cash on me at the time, I paid the man in pocket lint. He wasn't happy. In fact, he came at me with a chainsaw. Later on, I ate some of the candy. It was amazing! It made me see fairy tale creatures, including L in a princess tutu.  
Then I fell off a cliff.

heart,  
Light  
---

#30  
Dear Michi,  
One Christmas, I wrote Santa a letter. In it, I asked for a pony, dish soap, and a uterus.  
I only received the dish soap.

heart,   
Light


	4. 31 thru 40

#31  
Dear Michi,  
Last summer, I tried my talents in gardening. I ripped up some of my mother's favorite plants to clear a space in the backyard, and planted various things in the ground to see what they'd grow into. Things like spoons, the TV remote, Ryuk, my computer, and some toxic waste. A week later, I decided to water them. None were promising, though, except the toxic waste. Because soon after I watered it, it grew into a giant, glowing bean stalk of sorts. It was amazing.

TO BE CONTINUEDDDD...  
heart,   
Light  
---

#32  
Dear Spirit,  
Did you know that the human bladder can hold up to 600mL of urine before you lose all voluntary control and just pee everywhere? I found this out the hard way when I was standing in line at the 7-11, waiting to buy my cover-up porn.  
I suppose I should have expected something like that as I had forgotten to use the bathroom for the past three days.

heart,  
Light  
---

#33  
Dear Spirit,  
Once, when I was in Canada with my family, I decided to try some poutine. Do you know what poutine is? It's french fries covered in gravy and cheese. Well, it was pretty good, but something was missing, so I slunk into the restaurant's kitchen and stole some lysol wipes to put on it. Unfortunately my mom saw and punted me in the face, and told me to never eat hazardous chemicals again.  
When she wasn't looking, I ate some powdered soap I found in the men's room.

heart,   
Light  
---

#34  
DEAR SPIRIT,  
MY PENCIL IS STUCK IN CAPSLOCK. I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED, BUT I THINK I AM GOING TO CALL THE GEEK SQUAD TO COME FIX IT FOR ME.

HEART,  
LIGHT  
---

#35  
Dear Spirit,  
The Fruit Group Leader (aka the NPA Director) didn't like the massive pink bow I wore tied around my head today. That bitch.

heart,  
Light  
---

#36  
Dear Spirit,  
I had a notebook once. I ripped out the last page and ate it, and used the rest of the paper to write stupid notes. I sent one to Watari once, but he knew it was from me because I signed my name at the bottom in big swirly letters and sealed it with a kiss

heart,  
Light  
---

#37  
DEAR MICHI,  
I CALLED THE GEEK SQUAD TO FIX THE CAPSLOCK ON MY PENCIL, BUT THEY HAVEN'T COME YET. I'M GETTING ANTSY. I THINK I'LL GO EAT SOME BAKING SODA TO OCCUPY ME WHILE I WAIT. MY MOM LEFT A WHOLE BOX OF IT FOR ME IN THE REFRIGERATOR. HOW KIND OF HER.

HEART,  
LIGHT  
---

#38 (continuation of #31)  
Dear Michi,  
When I saw the giant glowing bean stalk, I was reminded of the story of Jack and the Bean stalk, and wondered if there was a magical land in the clouds. I approached the giant glowing plant, but instead of climbing it, I ate it. It gave me terrible gas for a month, and my mom made me sleep in the doghouse. Of course, when I told her we didn't have a dog, and therefore had no doghouse, she bit my arm until it bled, then made me build one.

3 Light  
---

#39  
Dear Michi,  
One time, to cure me of my retardation, everyone decided that the best way to cure me was to lock me in a room with a very horny L. At first, I was terrified, and peed my pants. But over the course of the week, I felt myself becoming more normal. Unfortunately, the moment the week was over and I heard the door unlock, I scrambled out on all fours, and ate all of Watari's socks.

3 Light  
---

#40  
D34R M1CH1,  
7H15 15 L. 1 H4V3 48DUCT3D L1GH7'5 57UP1D N073. 1 WR173 1N L337 83C4U53 1 4M 4 L337-H4XX0R. R1GH7 N0W, L1GH7 15 GN4W1NG 0N 50M3 W33D K1LL3R. 0H D4MN, H3 JU57 V0M173D 477 0V3R 73H PL4C3. . 1 N33D 70 G37 W474R1 70 CL34N UP 7H15 8L00DY M355. 54Y0N4R4. -L  
(translation, for you un-leet people out there)  
Dear Michi,  
This is L. I have abducted Light's stupid note. I write in leet because I am a leet-haxxor. Right now, Light is gnawing on some weed killer. Oh damn, he just vomited all over the place. . I need to get Watari to clean up this bloody mess. Sayonara.

-L


	5. 41 thru 50

#41  
Dear Spirit,  
One time I discovered that I was broke because I had spent all my money repaying Watari for his damaged belongings. So I decided to sell my body on the streets. I was standing around in a miniskirt and thigh-high boots when the Fruit Group Leader drove up and offered me $500. I took the money and ran.

3 Light  
---

#42  
DEAR SPIRIT,  
Have you seen Light anywhere? OR my PEACH BASKET?

Sincerely,  
The Fruit Group Leader  
---

#43  
DEAR SPIRIT,  
THE GEEK SQUAD ARRIVED AT HIGH NOON YESTURDAY. THEY LOOKED AT MY PENCIL AND TOLD ME I WAS RETARDED, SO I CHALLENGED THEM TO A DUEL. I SAID TO THEM, "OH GEEK SQUAD, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL. YOU SHALL USE THIS HYAR PENCIL BUT I, I SHALL USE SEVEN MACHETES."  
THEY WON THE DUEL, AND I ACCIDENTALLY CHOPPED MY ARM OFF WITH THE MACHETES. THAT'S WHY I'M SPEWING BLOOD.

3 LIGHT  
---

#44  
Dear Spirit,  
Once, when I was a little girl living in Kansas, a tornado hit my house. Me and my dog Dodo found ourselves in a magical technicolor world called XD (actually pronounced 'ecks-dee'). There I befriended a crack-dealing scarecrow, a tin man who was a child bride, and a lion with OCD. We went to the Dingy Brown City.  
It took four months to get there, though, because the scarecrow got thrown in jail, the tin man had to file for divorce, and the lion had to stop and wash his hands every five minutes and whenever he took three steps forward he had to take one step backwards.  
Finally, after many weeks we reached the Dingy Brown City...

TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDD...

3 Light  
---

#45  
D34R M1CH1,  
70D4Y, L 74UGH7 M3 H0W 70 WR173 1N L337. 1 7H1NK 1'V3 G07 17 D0WN. 4H4H4H4H, 7H15 15 FUN. H3'5 C0M1NG 84CK FR0M 73H 847HR00M N0W. H3 H45 4N 4NGRY L00K 0N H15 F4C3. M4Y83 H3 R34L1Z3D 1 PU7 54R4N WR4P UND3R 73H 701L37 5347? 0 G0D, H3 H45 4 CH41N54W! 1 TH1NK H3 D1D!!!1one

3 L1GH7

(translation for you un-leet people out there)  
Dear Michi,  
Today, L taught me how to write in leet. I think I've got it down. AHAHAHA, this is FUN. He's coming back from the bathroom now. He has an angry look on his face. Maybe he realized I put saran wrap under the toilet seat? O god, he has a chainsaw! I think he did!!!

3 Light  
---

#45  
Dear Michi,  
One time I was enraged. I don't know why, but I did angry things to innocent people. For example, I pushed my sister to the floor, kicked her several times, put her in a box and shipped her to Fiji. I also popped Watari's strike cherry /strike car tires. And dyed every single one of L's shirts hot pink. After I did these things, I felt much happier. :) But now, everyone else is angry. I wonder why?

3 Light  
---

#46  
Dear Spirit,  
I had huge ass-emotions once. Sometimes it was happy and sometimes it was sad but mostly it was just really, really pissed off because I ate some steer manure, ant-killer, lawn fertilizer, and some poisonous plants.

3 Light  
---

#47  
Dear Michi,  
HAHAHA I HAVE YOUR SPANISH PAPER!! NOW I KNOW YOUR NAME!!! HAHAHAHA!!  
This reminds me of a time when L was taking a piss and I shoved him in the toilet.

3 Light  
---

#48  
Dear Spirit,  
Remember how I told you about the saran-wrap I put on the toilet bowl? Well I had forgotten it was there for three weeks, so now my bathroom's all full of crap. (Literally, too.)  
Yesterday I was bored so I ripped apart Watari's mattress with my teeth. Then the cavalry arrived.

3 Light  
---

#49  
Dear Michi,  
Did you know window puppets are illegal in New York City? Neither did I, until I was arrested for reenacting a wonderful night with L out of my hotel room window. Do you know what they do to puppets in prison? Better yet, what they do to puppet masters? I still have abnormal stretch marks around my anus. 0.0

3 Light  
---

#50!!  
Dear Spirit,  
I first realized that L might be gay when I found thirty-thousand dollars worth of hardcore gay porn videos and pictures on his hard drive. L was gone for weeks, so I just sat there and looked though all of them nonstop.  
Then I was eaten by a bear.  
I guess it smelled the blood from my constant nosebleed.  
After I was eaten by the bear, I decided to go for a walk. I found a handgun in a paper bag under a park bench. After I ate the paper bag, I used the handgun to gun down a young couple, rob a bank, and intimidate a dog.  
With the money I got from robbing the bank, I bought more gay porn, anf then sued that bear's ass.  
He won, and I was sentenced to prison for 438 years on multiple counts of murder, one count of robbery, and 27 counts of disturbing the peace.  
I forgot to show up.

3 Light


	6. 51 thru 60

#51  
Dear Spirit,  
Last night, I had a dream.  
It involved me, L, whipped cream, handcuffs, gags, chocolate sauce, many restraints, a whip, and a cherry.  
I think I've been watching too much gay porn.

3 Light  
---

#52 (continued from #44)  
Dear Spirit,  
When Dodo, the lion, the scarecrow, the tin man and I got to the Dingy Brown City, we immediately went to see the Wizard of XD.  
When we got in to see him, he asked us what we wanted.  
"Dodo and I want to go home," I said.  
"I want to be less OCD," the lion said. He was still walking up to the throne.  
"I want the house and kids," said the tin man.  
"I want an endless supply of crack," said the scarecrow.  
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCHES." said the Wizard of XD. Suddenly, I found myself in Southeast Asia, waist-deep in a pit of tar.  
Luckily I had an explosive diarrhea incident, which blew away all the tar, and I was able to hitchhike home.

3 Light  
---

#53  
DEAR MICHI,   
One time, L ate all the food at headquarters, so he forced me to go grocery shopping or else he would deflower my rose. I don't know what that means, but I didn't wanna find out, so I left. At the store, I bought some grapes. I brought them home to L, and he told me they looked like my grapes. Then he ate them. I didn't like this comment he made about me, so I made T-eyes at him.  
Then I ate him. Whole.

3 Light  
---

#54  
Dear Michi,  
When I was a little boy, I asked my mom where babies come from. Then she ripped my ear off. I don't know why. So I went and asked my dad. He said "SHUT THE F UP, SON, AND EAT YOUR PEAS." Now I am forced to assume that babies come from toasters.

3 Light  
---

#55  
Dear Spirit,  
Once I was taking a walk through southern Vietnam. As I was walking, I came across an unexploded bomb. So I shoved it up my strike ass /strike shirt to take home as a souvanier. Then a guerilla warrior leapt out of the bushes, called me a socialist bastard, and shot me several times in the legs, neck, and face.  
So I peed everywhere and left.

3 Light  
---

#56  
Dear Michi,  
A few weeks ago, I was talking with L. We were discussing things of our past. He asked me what I had always wanted to be when I was little, and of course I told him I wanted to be a prostate examiner. You should have seen the look on his face when I asked him if he would let me test my skills on him.

3 Light  
---

#57  
Dear Michi,  
One day, I randomly felt like researching the local wildlife. And by wildlife, I mean other strange children. I happened upon a boy, in his mid teens, who was chewing on a stick one afternoon. I watched him frm afar for a few days. After every meal, he always snacked on a stick.  
There was one time that he forgot to have lunch, however, and ate an entire tree, 0.0 I was amazed.  
After watching the strange lad for nearly a week, I compiled all my data into one notepad, took the first and last letters from every word, scrambled them up into new letters, and was able to come up with this:  
Y HALLO THUR CHILD I WANT YOUR BODY!!!1  
-YOUR SECRET RESEARCHER  
I sent it to him in a letter the next day.

3 Light  
---

#58  
Dear Michi,  
One time, I went out to dinner with my family at a Spanish restaurant. I had a dish that looked like someone shit on my plate. It was actually really tasty. Of course, when I tried to make it at home, it just tasted like my shit (because it was). I lived on nothing but Arm & Hammer for a week.

3 Light  
---

#59  
Dear Spirit,  
I encountered the Wizard of XD once more, when I walked into an ice cream parlor on a particularly hot day in December. He was sitting at the bar, sipping something orange that was no doubt laced with narcotics.  
"WIZARD," I cried, clutching his arm desperately, "I HAVE FOUND YOU AGAIN!"  
"Da fuck?" he said. "I'm just a bus driver." I clutched his arm harder.  
"You're the Wizard! The Wizard of XD!" I cried.  
"You're on crack," he said. I clutched his arm so hard the bone snapped in half.  
Then I spotted the real Wizard of XD in the man's drink, and I realized that I really did have the wrong guy. So I ripped his nose off and left.

3 Light  
---

#60  
DEAR Spirit,  
Yesturday, my mom baked a pie. I had a slice, and thought it could use a certain something extra. So I injected it with rat poison, bleach, and pig urine. That night, my entire family had explosive diarrhea, so I ate an entire box of laxatives, and joined them.

3 Light


	7. 61 thru 70

#61  
Dear Spirit,  
Once, when I was walking through the park, I saw a boy chewing on a fallen log.  
"You like eating wood?" I asked, puzzled.  
"YES." he told me. I had an idea.  
"I have some in my pants," I told him. "Wanna reach in and get it?" He ran away screaming.  
Then I took the log and ate it myself.

3 Light  
---

#62  
Dear Spirit,  
Because I am such a bastard, last week, instead of helping an old woman across the street, I drop-kicked her into oncoming traffic.  
It was the highlight of my day.

3 Light  
---

#63  
Dear Spirit,  
I got a manicure once. But the lady painting my nails messed up, so I threw a grenade at her, and left without paying.  
Then I came home and ate all the chips in my house. I HATE chips.

3 Light  
---

#64  
Dear Spirit,  
Once I was in the middle of a grocery store and decided to get my freak on. So I walked up to the store manager and began freaking enthusiastically. He thought I was trying to rape him, so he called the cops.  
Everyone in prison loved my dancing.

3 Light  
---

#65  
Dear Spirit,  
Once, I stumbled upon a crime scene. I stepped over the caution tape, and messed with all the evidence. Then I had a bad case of explosive diarrhea.

3 Light  
---

#66  
Dear Michi,  
One time when I went to the mall, I saw a store with a plastic, half-naked woman in the window. She was only wearing underwear. With a stupid grin on my face, I approached the store, shattered the window, but instead of stealing the plastic lady, I took all the shattered glass and brought it back to headquarters.  
There, I ground up the glass into tinier pieces, and poured them into L's tea. After he drank the shattered glass, he was so pissed, he shoved the remaining pieces up my ass. I haven't been able to sit since.

3 Light  
---

#67  
Dear Michi,  
Two weeks ago, I threatened Matsuda with a rabid wolverine to go out and rent me a nice, romantic movie. He did, and I watched it 17 times. When it was over, I felt a strange sensation in my pants. So I went over and snogged L. With tongue. And stuck my hand down his pants. It made me gleeful.  
What made me even more gleeful, however, was the look on Matsuda's face when I locked him in the bathroom with the rabid wolverine.

3 Light  
---

#68  
Dear Michi,  
On Tuesday, I went out and bought a pack of 100 crayons. Then I shoved them all up my nose. A few days later, I went to the doctor complaining of a terrible headache. They did a cat scan of my head, and told me I had a massive, abnormally large tumor in my head and that I needed surgery to remove what they could of it. When they did the surgery, though, and opened up my head, they discovered the tumor was nothing more than 100 crayons. And a bullet casing. And a bottle of Windex. I must have forgot to mention that I snort things for a living.

3 Light  
---

#69  
Dear Michi,  
Last night, L barged into my room at 2:47am with a wild look in his eyes. He told me he was sick and tired of always being uke, and demanded that he be seme. Of course, I had no choice in the matter, really, cuz as he was demanding this, he was ripping off my clothes and engaging in very rough foreplay.  
I tried desperately to reason with him, that I have my reasons for always being seme. But he didn't listen to me. So, I shrieked gibberish in a little girl voice, kicked him off of me, gathered up the skirts of my nightgown and ran for it.

3 Light  
---

#70  
Dear Spirit,  
Once, I happened to overhear my mother talking to my sister about 'becoming a woman' and 'bleeding' once a month. Now, I was three years older than my sister, so I immediately began to wonder why my monthly cycles hadn't started. So, in an attempt to give them a push, I drank tea filled with shards of glass. To my disappointment, I only ended up shredding my anus with the glass. So it was my anus bleeding instead of my vagina.  
This worried me, so I visited a gynoctogist. She looked startled to see me, and I asked her why I hadn't gotten my period yet.  
Then she told me I was a man.  
And things made sense.

3 Light


	8. 71 thru 80

#71  
Dear Spirit,  
I snorted a roach once. Some guy gave me $10 for it. Because I snort things on street corners--sort of like those guys who play guitar on street corners.  
I just told my mom that I have an after-school job. She doesn't know it involves NOSE-CANDY.

3 Light  
---

#72  
Dear Spirit,  
I see you've spotted a picture of me with my masturbation stick. Well, I don't really use it to masturbate, because I'm a seme. I just tell people I do. Random people on the street. Who don't even want to know. It's how I get my kicks.

3 Light  
---

#73  
Dear Spirit,  
My most embarrassing moment was last week. I was walking down the stairs when I saw L at the bottom. Then I tripped, tumbled down the stairs and had an explosive diarrhea incident, broke a vase, frightened the dog, and got my head stuck in the banister. L laughed and walked away.

3 Light  
---

#74  
Dear Spirit,  
Once I went to Mexico on a school trip. Once I got there, I had a lot of fun. Before I got on the plane to go home, I ate 3 loaves of bread, 8 salty pretzels, and some beef jerky with peanut butter. I was really thirsty, so I drank 5 gallons of fresh Mexican water before I got on the plane.  
It didn't end well. It didn't end well at all.

TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDD...

3 Light  
---

#75  
DEAR SPIRIT,  
I fought in the great war once. Luckily, I was left alive. But unfortunately I got trench udder. It's a very unfortunate condition in which your udder begins to rot off. My udder was very uncomfortable and had to receive medical attention.

3 Light  
---

#76  
Dear Michi,  
Today I went to the zoo. I brought along some goodies to feed the animals, like anthrax, carbon monoxide, and arsenic. The animals loved it. Except for the tiger. It got so angry at me, it dragged me into its cage and raped me.  
And then I realized I liked bestiality.

3 Light  
---

#77  
Dear Michi,  
On the day of Apollo 13, whatever day that may be, I was browsing the phone book looking for an interesting number to call. I finally came across a nifty number in big, sparkaly numbers. I didn't read the ad that came with it. So I called the number, and a few hours later, a large, old, ugly lady came and did very nasty things to my special place. Then I decided I was gay.

3 Light  
---

#78  
Dear Spirit,  
After my special place was so roughly violated, I decided that I would try sex with other things to see if I liked it better. So that day I raped a dishwasher, a garbage disposal (it was turned on), a venus fly trap, my mother's vegetable garden, and a bell pepper.  
I decided to become celibate and never sex anything up again, unless it was L, looked like L, told me it was L, or unless I just forgot about my vow of celibacy and decided to sex things up anyway.  
Then I jumped a centipede.

3 Light  
---

#79  
Dear Michi,  
Yesterday I went to get the mail. I received a letter addressed to me, so I opened it and read it. It was a stupid note I had sent to myself one day, and it predicted that I would have severe anal bleeding within the next 2 minutes. Enraged at the stupidness, I tore the note up and ate it.  
Then my pants exploded. But with BLOOD.

3 Light  
---

#80  
Dear Michi,  
Real men eat beef. But I think it's clear that I'm not a real man, because I eat anything but beef. Like nitrogen, and plastic spoons, and the liquid neon from neon lights.

3 Light


	9. 81 thru 90

#81  
Dear Michi,  
I was once ruled by so much insecurity, I couldn't even get out of my own way. An instance like this came about one time when I was trying to get into the bathroom, but I just wouldn't get out of my own way. After several minutes of frustrated side stepping, I just lost it, and started wailing on myself. I stopped after kicking myself to a bloody mess on the floor. Of course I regretted it all later, cuz I got the full impact the next morning.  
I coughed up a rib.

3 Light  
---

#82  
Dear Spirit,  
Yesterday I went to Walgreen's and bought some hair dye. I skipped home like a giddy schoolgirl and locked myself in the bathroom. I mixed the chemicals together and decided to eat them. Because they smelled like hazardous chemicals and pie.

3 Light  
---

#83  
Dear Spirit,  
When I was a little girl, once I took a voyage to Australia. While I was at sea, my ship got caught in a terrible storm. I was washed up onto the shores of the magically cracked-out land of XD.  
I wandered for forty days and forty nights before finding the castle of the good witch Cheno, which had been 20 feet away from the spot where I had washed up on shore. The good witch Cheno-- apart from having a rapage range-- kindly pointed me in the direction of the nearest subway station. Oddly enough, I was physically unable to have any explosive diarrhea incidents on her property.  
So with Cheno's help, I found the subway station and decided to see my dear pal, the wonderful Wizard of XD.

3 Light  
---

#84  
Dear Spirit,  
Yesterday, I snuck on a space shuttle that was headed for the moon. When we were halfway there, the astronauts found me, fed me dehydrated prunes, and kicked me out.  
Luckily the explosive diarrhea that followed was enough to propel me the rest of the way to the moon.

3 Light  
---

#85  
Dear Spirit,  
Yesterday I walked up to a random man on the street and told him he was my bitch. Then I raped him with a Christmas tree.

3 Light  
---

#86  
Dear Michi,  
One time while I was browsing the internet, I came across a video of sasquatch. As I watched it, I realized it reminded me of L. So, in the night, I went around headquarters and shaved off everyone's hair and glued it to L. All over his body. While he was sleeping. Which means I didn't have much time. In the morning, when everyone was awake, L stumbled into the room and everyone screamed. Including me, because I forgot it was L. Of course, I didn't remember that until after I mowed him down with a Tommie gun.

3 Light  
---

#87  
Dear Michi,  
Everyone has things that turn them on. Some of mine are plastic forks, hardcore bondage, Kleenexes, and whenever someone says "Baw chicka wah wah!"  
I told this to L once, and he picked up his chair and clubbed me like a baby seal.  
Little does he know, that was also one of my turn-ons.

3 Light  
---

#88  
Dear Michi,  
Last night, I was strolling around down town when I got really horny. So I raped a stray dog, a dumpster, and a hobo.  
Then I contracted HIV, AIDS, cholera, gonorrhea, and a STAF infection.

3 Light  
---

#89  
Dear Spirit,  
Yesterday I was bored, so I walked up to L and started going "bow chicka wah wah!" and gave him an XXX-rated lap dance.  
Then I realized that I had mistaken L for my real father. He was using L's computer.  
I got my thong, whip, handcuffs, gag, strap-on, and lube, and left the room.

3 Light  
---

#90 (continued from #74)  
Dear Spirit,  
After I got on the plane, after drinking 5 gallons of fresh Mexican water, I had an explosive diarrhea incident like none other. The plane engines died, the windows were blasted open, and the velvety seats of the plane were ruined.  
Then we crashed into the Pacific ocean. The plane sunk to the bottom, and I was eaten by a shark. Everyone who survived the fall was. No one survived.  
After I was eaten by a shark, I managed to hold onto a whale, who towed me to shore, and I hitchhiked home. Again.

3 Light


	10. 91 thru 99

#91  
Dear Spirit,  
Yesterday afternoon I was bored, so I stripped, covered myself in whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and tied myself to L's bed. However, it wasn't L's bed.

3 Light  
---

#92  
Dear Spirit,  
Yesterday I peed in Matsuda's coffee for no real reason. But I got caught in the act because my anus exploded.

3 Light  
---

#93  
Dear Michi,  
Once time, these girls I know were baking a cake at night. So I thought it would be a good idea to come and watch. I put on my best hairy man suit, and decided to climb up the rain gutter thing on the side of the house. When I got on the top, I ate all the junk out of the rain gutter and climbed in the window...

TO BE CONTINUEDDD...

3 Light  
---

#94  
Dear Michi,  
Last week I baked a cake. For L. It had 2 layers, stuffed with dog food and dryer sheets, and Spirit's face wash for frosting. I topped it with strawberries though, cuz I know L loves strawberries. But when he ate my cake, he got sick for a month. Maybe I forgot to put eggs in it?

3 Light  
---

#95  
Dear Michi,  
I've always wanted to visit Las Vegas. So when I got the opportunity, I put on my best hooker boots and miniskirt, and paraded around the strip. Many people on the street asked me to do very odd jobs for them, from which I earned lots of money.  
Too bad one of them gave me genital herpes.

3 Light  
---

#96  
Dear Spirit,  
I ate a magic balloon once. It was given to me in an airport by a Columbian drug lord. Halfway through the flight, it popped in my stomach.  
Then I spontaneously combusted.

3 Light  
---

#97  
Dear Spirit,  
Once, when L was going to take a bath, I snuck into the room and filled the water with Jello mix.  
Then I drank it all and left.

3 Light  
---

#98  
Dear Spirit,  
Once I woke up to find myself covered in strawberry jam and being gnawed on by wild wolverines.  
Then I fell back asleep.

3 Light  
---

#99  
Dear Michi,  
One time for my birthday, I had a pool party. But instead of swimming in a pool of water, we swam in a pool of nuclear waste. It was grand.

3 Light


	11. 100!

((SO YOU KNOW: The unitalicized paragraphs are the ones I wrote, and the italicized paragraphs are the ones that Michi wrote. :3))  
Dear EVERYONE,  
Last week, we had a rat infestation at headquarters. There were swarms of them. Everywhere. All the time. And they stormed into the kitchen one evening and raided it. L was so pissed, he started squishing them with his bare feet, but there were just too many of them. Eventually, they carried L off with them.  
_Well, being the utter fool I am, I decided to first eat an entire watermelon, all the rat poison, some baking soda, vinegar, soda, and dead rats. Once my anus had stopped bleeding , I dug a hole in the baseboards and vowed to rescue L._  
Unfortunately, L had already been devoured by the rats. So I joined the furry rodents and ate his bones. They tasted like cupcakes. Which reminded me that I had buried treasure in the baseboards.  
_So then, because I had time to kill and nothing better to do, I took a train to New Hampshire. Then, when I had arrived, I found a man in a bowler hat, choked him, and left._  
From New Hampshire, I sailed to Cuba, where I bought a large box of Cuban cigars. All of which I shoved up random people's asses. Until I was stopped by Leonardo the Gang-banger, bringer of justice to the streets. I learned some very interesting lessons from him about butt pirates.  
_After I had thoroughly and repeatedly learnt my lesson about butt pirates, I exchanged my pants for a pig, which I then shoved up some random man's ass. Then I stole his car, and drove home._  
When I got home, I noticed a large box sitting on the doorstep. As I opened it, I thought it might be the large supply of mustard I ordered. Except it was Ryuk. Naked. And covered in whipped cream. I screamed bloody murder and lit the box-- and Ryuk-- on fire.  
_Ignoring my house burning down around me, I decided to take a little nap under the kitchen sink like I normally do on Thursdays. Then realized that it was pointless because it was Wednesday. So I went out back and began playing fetch with myself._  
However, it was midnight while I did this, so the Midnight Lurker came and took my fetching stick away. That bitch. So instead, to entertain myself, I threw lit cigarettes at random passer-bys.  
_But there were none, because it was midnight, so I was forced to rape a wagon I found on the street. Just to entertain myself, you see. Then I was pretty bored, so I broke into my neighbor's house and hid inside their dishwasher. Which unfortunately was on._  
When the dishwasher turned off, I fell asleep. My neighbors found me in the morning, screamed, and called the cops. Lucky for me, I had an explosive diarrhea incident that blew out all the windows and distracted everyone long enough to get away.  
_As I was running down the street stark naked, covered in my own feces, it occurred to me that I had forgotten to feed the fish. So I ran right home to attend to them. They looked kind of depressed, so I poured some brandy, vodka, gin, green elixer, and a martini into the tank._  
Of course, it wasn't until after I wasted all my precious liquor, that I realized the fish were dead because of the house fire. So I shoved the tank down my pants to enlarge my manly bulge, and strutted my way to the mall.  
_Then I bought some extra-large pants for my now-extra-large manly bulge. As I walked around the mall, I got many unusual looks. Then a gangsta walked up, sliced my pants open, and my fishtank was exposed to the world, so I screeched like a girl, and ran into the nearest lingerie store._  
Unfortunately, when I got into the lingerie store, I started my period. Violently. So I galloped into the nearest bathroom to find a tampon. But then I realized it couldn't have been period, because I was bleeding from my anus. My hernia must have exploded.  
_So I shoved an entire roll of toilet paper up my ass and returned to the lingerie store, where I bought a corset, some garters, a sexy bra and thong set, and some perfume. Then I put it all on in place of the massive trousers and paraded around the mall._  
As I paraded around, I came across one of those Santa-booth things. I went up to each elf, hit on them, and gave them my number. Of course, it wasn't really my number. Then I gave Santa one of my famous XXX-rated lap dances. Then he grabbed my ass, so I stabbed him in the eye with my stilletos and ran for it.  
_I decided that staying in the mall would only cause me pain and suffering, so I decided to wander the streets dressed in a moth-eaten tiger costume. But then I was gang-raped by a troupe of travelling midgets. Then I went to a planned pregnancy place-thing. And they informed me that I could not, in fact, get pregnant._  
Disappointed, I slumped off to a grad party. There, people were freaking, having sex, doing drugs, the usual. It reminded me of home, so I stripped again, crawled into the bathroom (where some unfortunate teen was having a hangover), and filled the bathtub with live squid and left. Without my clothes.  
_As I ran down the street stark naked, covered in my own feces for the second time that night, I tripped and fell into a man hole in the street. And then I was in the village of the mole people._  
When I encountered the mole people, they immediately accepted me as their almighty leader. So I lit them on fire and played in the sewer.  
_Once I had climbed out of the sewer, I committed arson eight times. Then I fled to Mexico so I wouldn't be arrested and locked in a room with a big sweaty man who would sex me up anally 12 times a day and tie me up and do all manner of kinky things to me.  
Then I thought about it, and turned myself in._  
Unfortunately for me, I wasn't locked in a cell with a big sweaty man, but a tiny leetle man with large eyes and probably nothing bigger than a worm in his pants. I was so disappointed, I left.  
_Back on the streets once more, I lit every strand of hair on my body on fire, and rampaged random people on the street. Then I mercilessly tormented a flower until it cried._  
As I laughed at the stupid crying flower, it ran off to get its mommy. This only made me laugh harder. Until the mommy flower came up and ate me. She was a venus fly trap. So while I was being digested, I had the strong urge to rape stuff.  
_But luckily the venus fly trap had a dildo in its lower intestine, so I raped it. After I was digested, I covered myself in whipped cream with strategically placed cherries, and lay in the middle of the road. Then I was hit by a car. And died. Then I made a ham sammich._  
Have you ever had the urge to rape a ham sammich? I do all the time.  
After I made and raped my sammich, I went to a golf course and disrupted the peace every time someone tried to tee off. Then I crapped in all the holes.  
_After I had been gang-raped by every golfer, I used a skillet and the spicy hot power of Alex/Izzie to fry a fish. Which I covered in sand and shoved up some golfer's ass._  
When my fish didn't turn out, I seeked advice from the almighty fish cooker: Salad Fingers. Of course, that didn't end well, because he locked me in his oven and tried to sample my texture. So I peed on him and ran away.  
_Then I encountered the Fish __Monger__, who just pwns everything, pretty much. Then it occurred to me that I was late to my part-time job as a bowl of raisins on __Oprah__. So I quickly skedadled._  
Lucky for me, Oprah was very forgiving about my being late, and only gave me 40 lashings this time. But I forgot to be a bowl of raisins during the show, and crawled around under everyone's seats. I stole all their car keys.  
_I distributed all the keys to the midgets, golfers, and gangstas in the world, and decided I had done my good deed for the decade. So I stole $18 million from the Canadian government and used it all on porn, male strippers, and L wigs for the strippers._

3 Light


End file.
